The BIG Separation

WELL - today had to come (as much as I was in denial) - and we bot survived. 

With that said - I owe a great deal to my hubby - who took care of my lil man. 

It took a lot to get out the door.  Sleep did not come easily last night not to mention lil man was cranky all weekend (as if he knew I was making the transition back to work - the other four letter word).

I have been having panic attacks for the past four weeks.  The reality (cause it really is true) is that I have a pretty awesome, fun, cutting edge job.  My hours are extremely flexible and I am fortunate to work with a great group of professionals. 

I still have to leave lil man, who was with me for nine + months and permanently attached to me 24/7 for the past 12 weeks. 

I was fortunate enough to meet my lil guy for lunch, still pumping twice and preventing the "bottle" for the first day back to work.  Tomorrow - he may have to bite the bottle (pun intended).  The thought of him taking my milk from a bottle makes me cry just typing this. 

I did manage to coordinate my outfit, put on make-up, comb my hair, escape without puke on me - and nursed my lil guy to sleep prior to leaving.  I seemed to roam around a great deal, often hitting the wrong button on the elevator to the floor I thought I might work on.  I hid out in the lab and cringed when the phone rang.  Luckily I kept busy getting things in order in the lab - but I did have to venture out a few times - shrieking back for fear anyone would recognize me.  One friend noted I was "skittish."  Embarrassed to say - social interactions in the past 12 weeks have been limited and all my insecurities have returned with a vengeance!

However, all the anxiety leading up to today, that filled my day, that sped my journey home - resulted in this look when I walked through the door.....

That says it all right there....   may have returned to work - but my lil man only has heart for only me! 

And I for him....

I love this

I have to agree with something in this video - that I really didn't realize until I was home with the baby.  I have a big ball I sit on at work the minimal times that I sit at my desk.  It helped my poster, hips and lower back.  But - sitting at home, nursing and recovering is not easy to do on a ball.  I noticed my hips, lower back and energy level was all going down hill quickly. 
 

I tried to take daily walks with kiwi in the moby wrap but we had a very wet and cool fall.  That did not entice me to get out and walk on days he was particularly fussy and needy or I was particularly tired. 
 

Now that I am feeling a bit more like my old self and kiwi is becoming a little more independent (aka - hanging with dad or sissy for more than five minutes without my presence) I have been regularly running.  That still doesn't take care of the issue of me sitting and nursing, sometimes for up to an hour depending on how needy he is. 

I wish there was a way to do this an nurse???

But, at the very least, I would like something like this at my desk at work. 

Running on a treadmill....

I feel like I am running on a treadmill! 

My bible readings, prayer time and alone time is suffering.

Thank GOD the baby is moving now or I would forget I was preggers.... 

Work is closing in and I am not coping well. 

I feel like a failure with my kids - one more dinner plopped in the crock pot today - Baked Zita - with a huge veggie twist (shhhhhhh  they don't need to know there are carrots, zucchinni, cauliflower or squash).  It will be done by lunch and they can snack on it till dinner.  They are home from school and I have parent teacher conference that I smidged in between two meetings - one having me run back to work at a high rate of speed. 

I love living in Chicago - everything is centralized - but at times I feel more frazzled trying to get from point a to point b. 

I will be so glad when 4/16 is here - I am going to plop myself in bed and not get out till the 17th - when we leave on a mini vacay of sorts.

I feel like such a slug and failure.  I have, however, retreated to a quiet room to read prologue from Park. 

I just want to know how I lost control of my time and my commitments?  How does this happen?  How do I prevent it?

Most wonderful Evening

If you ask a dozen of my friends, a dozen of my colleagues and my family - if I was a work-a-holic they would simply tell you "most definitely!"

Sad I know......

Yesterday I did the most uncharacteristic thing for a Monday and for me.  I sped out of a meeting and met a dear friend from Michigan and her sons, friends and my family.  We had wings at Wild Goose.  Okay - I must admit my hubby was right - not the best choice for the lime and I - but it was so nice to get out on a Monday (I felt decadently evil and a huge slacker at that).  I didn't even think about work for two hours.  I had an appetite AND I had fun.  The after effects of hot wings - not so good - but all worth it!

Note to self - must do this more often.

It is Official

I have crossed though the door I walked through when I started this blog.....

IT WAS OFFICIALLY OFFERED THE JOB OF:

Program Manager of KidSTAR Education Center

Praise GOD!